Letting Go

Finding out

I’ve been told I have a perfect life.

A husband who works hard in his top floor, glass office whilst I work from home writing my silly little books. We own our home and the large stretch of land between the back door and the lake. A luxury car in the garage that I never wanted but which he insisted has all the best safety features on the market. A diamond ring on my finger, the biggest and best. That’s what they say but sometimes it’s a little too heavy and I’d never tell him that. Anything I want, I can have. That’s why I never dare disagree with them. Why I never dare to complain.

I never complained when my husband started coming home from work late. I never complained when he was too tired to talk to me., I never complained when he pulled away from my hugs and avoided my kisses. I never complained when he always found a way to avoid intimacy, to avoid me. All of that, and I never complained. I was naïve.

I should have complained.

Maybe if I’d complained, I wouldn’t be sitting here. Watching my husband on live tv, charming a woman who was interviewing him. I know that face, yet I try to convince myself it’s all an act. He’s just playing it up for the cameras, for the views.

There’s no mistaking that glow in his eyes. The familiar look of being enchanted by every word. The familiarity in his smile. That’s how he used to look at me. A gasp pushed its way through my lips. It’s her. He thinks I don’t know but I know. How could I not know he was sleeping with her? How could I not know?

I couldn’t bring myself to move as my brain begins answering all the questions, I’d been hiding from myself. The clay bowl in my hand slipped, falling to the floor, and shattering into a million pieces. Along with it the reality I had convinced myself was real. My perfect life broke just as easily as that copper clay. I felt my perfect life slipping away.

We’d been in each other’s lives even before we could walk, our mothers were best friends. We’d been through every major milestone in life, together. I know him better than I know myself but at this moment, right now, I wish I didn’t. I wish I didn’t know him well enough to know what his eyes were saying through that screen.

I found the arm of our couch as my body gave way to blazing pain. I know what it is, I’d never felt it like this before, but I know. It’s heartbreak. It’s betrayal. He had promised. Promised on our wedding day, with his poetic words, that he would take care of me. Forever. This is the end of our forever.

I can’t look at him love her anymore, so I fumble my way to the remote. The screen flickers to black just as he flashed her another one of those smiles. The ones with teeth and eye crinkles, the ones that make my world spin. I notice that my world is spinning and pause.

Inhale

Exhale

Clarity forms. I knew the breathing exercises I’d learned from my therapist would help me one day. I know what I need to do.

I make a phone call whilst heading to the kitchen to turn off the oven. He doesn’t deserve the chicken. He doesn’t deserve to see my pain. In the bedroom I grab essentials. A few changes of clothes were shoved hastily beside my passport and laptop. I step back from my bag to look around the room, memories playing in my head as my eyes scan over the pictures from your life. The room feels like a shrine to what’s been lost. The taxi horn outside pulls me from my memories. I rush to grab the final few things before feeling that weight on my finger again.

I slide the ring off my finger. Placing it on the dresser. It looks so much smaller sitting there, waiting for its new owner.

I steal one more glance at what used to be, before closing the door. Forever. It’s not until I’m in the taxi that my eyes betray me. I forget about the taxi driver as my tears fall, aware that the only reason it hurts this much is that I know it’s not a mistake. This won’t pass. It won’t go back to how it was before because he loves her.

She’s Gone

My sigh is heavy as I slide the key into the door. I know once I go in, I can’t go back. I’ve done something terrible. I’ve fallen in love with someone other than my wife. I know it’s time I tell you. Admit what I’ve done. I’ve tried to rationalize it, thought that maybe I was just seeking out something different or exciting. Maybe I just needed a change. Excuses. They all felt like excuses. I could tell you a million of them but none of them justified what I’d done.

Yet I hope maybe you’ll understand. You’ll forgive me because maybe it’s not too late. If I just confess.

Life with you has become stagnant, the recent days all feeling like one endless haze. So, I started working more, hoping that drowning myself in work would make the earth spin faster. I’d started new hobbies, ones I didn’t even care about. Who cares about tennis as much as you must think I do? Anything to spend less time here. At home. How did home become a punishment?

I should have let you go and given you a chance to become happy. To find yourself away from me, away from us. I know that we’ve never had the chance to do that. To not be us, all the time. The thought of leaving terrifies me. Leaving you. Divorcing you. I love you; I do.

I don’t recognise the dry sound of laughter that leaves my throat, I’ve never sounded so pathetic. Who am I trying to convince?

Exhale

Inhale

My breath is heavy as I let it go and push open the door.

“Honey?”

The noise echoes back, our home has never felt so cold. The quiet bounces around the hallway, slapping me in the face. My heart stops as I notice the bowl smashed on the floor. What happened? Are you okay?

The kitchen is a mess. The mess you always make when you cook. The one you think I don’t know about, because you clean it so well. I know, I’ve watched you make that mess since we could walk. Knocking over everything in your path. There’s a mess but there’s no you.

My mind races as I reach the bedroom. The drawers were open, clothes clinging to their place. Is this what I wanted, the reason why I pulled away? I fight my thoughts, trying to reason with my mind, you’re fine. You just had to go somewhere quickly. There was an emergency, something so important that…

You left your ring.

It was right there, shining as if it had never been worn. The ring I’d given you on our wedding day. The ring I secretly knew you thought was too much. I saw the way you’d spin it around your finger. As if briefly moving the weight would fix everything but I’d been told it was the best. I only ever wanted the best for you, It’s what you deserved. You didn’t deserve this.

You were gone. I thought I’d feel relief, at least for a moment. To be free of our endless day but all I feel is ill. My knees hit the floor, the carpet cushioning my fall. I thought I’d be free, yet I just feel alone.

What have I done?

Moving on

It’s been 3 years since I left that ring behind. Left behind the weight that came with it. I don’t regret it. Not like I thought I would. I was scared at first. Of being alone, being without him. To be without the love and support that came with that ring, but I lost that love long before I left.

I had doubts. I almost gave in and answered his calls a few times. I didn’t though, I stayed strong. I put myself first. I learned a lot about myself. Like the fact that I didn’t need him, or anyone. I’d never felt that before. Freedom or self-confidence. I’d never needed it; I’d always had him.

With him gone, I learned to cry. More than I thought possible. I learned to dance and how to pay bills. I’d even learned how to get my books published. Turns out they weren’t as silly as everyone said. Mostly I learned to be a person, rather than his person.

If I hadn’t left, I’d have never met you. I didn’t need you, not like I thought I needed him. I wanted you. With everything in me, I wanted you by my side.

An arm wraps around my waist, my thoughts halted by your presence.

“How are my two favourite girls doing?”

A smile spreads across my face as our hands meet on my stomach.

If I hadn’t left, I’d have never had this. I wouldn’t feel the warmth of your love. So different from the love I’ve known before. That’s the thing, I don’t think that was love. At the beginning yes, of course. By the time I took that ring off, the love had faded beyond recognition. Into acceptance or resignation that this was how it should be, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I had a choice, to accept that love doesn’t last forever. I think we both struggled to accept that, to see that we were causing each other pain. I’ll never forget the pain of seeing him fall in love with someone else when he was supposed to love you.

“We’re good, baby. Hungry,” I say as I place 2 more cookies on my plate.

The laugh I receive is rich, deep, and full. The sound fills our home and my heart. The smile on your face is contagious, pushing away any thoughts that haunt me.

This is where I’m meant to be.

This was what love was supposed to feel like.

Letting Go

It’s been years since you left. Yet the guilt of what I’ve done still eats me alive. I should have worshipped you, kept you close. Treasured you. I know now that the biggest mistake of my life will be what I’ve done to you. It’s strange, I was so desperate to get out of the never-ending day, and yet I’d do anything to travel back in time now. To before her, before I let myself fall in love with someone else. When I should have been loving you.

I never thought someone could understand the phrase ‘you never know what you have until it’s gone’. I know exactly what it means. It means you.

I left her. The woman I let myself love. She tried to stop me from leaving like I should have done with you, but I had to leave her. Everything she did reminded me that she wasn’t you. I’d whisper the promises and remember when I made them to you. I couldn’t do it anymore. I told her she deserves better. I don’t think I ever really loved her; not like I loved you. She was a failed attempt to find myself. Failed because you had already found me a long time ago. I just never knew until it was too late.

I apologised to her like I couldn’t to you. I apologised because she didn’t deserve to just be a passing thought. A distraction from the truth I’d been avoiding. That our spark had died, and I didn’t know how to love you without it.

I know now that we didn’t need a spark, you should have been enough.

I called you. Left you messages and voicemails. I even emailed. Everything I could to try and make you hear me. I didn’t deserve to be heard. After the first year, I knew you were never coming back. I should have known sooner but I had clung to hope like I needed it to breathe. I thought eventually I would put my regret behind me. I never appreciated you when I had you by my side. So how could I deserve you back?

I tried my best to find you, to know that you were okay. I did find you, eventually. You were better than okay. You were happy. Happier even. Your cheeks were full and the black circles under your eyes had disappeared. You were shining. Had I really managed to destroy you so much? I hadn’t seen you shine like that since our wedding day.

You have someone new, and he has given you something I never could, a baby. A proper family. My heart is heavy when I think about all the things, I couldn’t give you. It’s heavy knowing that you got your happy ending. I always thought that our happy endings would be connected and intertwined. They’re not, I know that now, your happy ending is there, with him, with the brighter version of you.

It was hard to leave the day I found you, I stared at you for longer than I’ll ever admit. Regretting every choice, I ever made that pushed you away from me. Eventually, I drove off. Fighting with my brain every second that it took to start the car. It took everything in me to not look back. To catch one final glimpse of you in the rearview mirror but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I knew I had to leave, To take my final image of you with me and let you move on in peace. Let you be happy.

So, I stared at the road as hard as I could, and I drove.

I let you go.